Glancing Over the Ceremonies of 2011

In the cool January of 2012, I think about the ceremonies I performed in 2011.
Some moments I am recalling:

The young ring bearer who came joyously down the aisle astride his father's shoulders, too shy to make the excruciating journey all alone;
the thunderstorm that came out of nowhere and as quickly vanished as two people, now married, exchanged a kiss;
the large vase of flowers crashing to the ground during a wedding, and the groom's mother coming to me afterward to tell me in wonder that a vase had crashed at the ceremony in which she married the groom's father.

The groomsmen who tightly surrounded their "charge" (after all, they were responsible for his well-being) with a language intelligible only to them.

The warm, enveloping voices of friends and family, in varying tones and pitches, all calling a tiny boy's name, at the baby naming ceremony in a Buddhist garden.

Dozens of tea lights extinguishing their flames before a ceremony. "I didn't realize it was so breezy," I thought, before I saw the 5-year-old girl in her frilly bouffant dress moving from one to the next, with a gentle "pfff". We came to a deal - she would let them burn through the ceremony, and then - she could blow every single one of them out.

The quiet, soft-spoken groom who pulled a crumpled piece of paper from deep within his pocket, and read the loveliest words to his chosen partner.

Tears of course. Laughter. Flowers and ribbons, buttons and bows.

Sweet, miraculous happenings, all.

Another Bride's Choice Award

Isn't this nice - Wedding Wire has given me a New Year's gift! I am honored to be among the top 5% of wedding professionals.
I don't think I'm big-headed in saying that I believe grooms choose me also.
Thank you Wedding Wire.

Ceremony takes you there

I have once again been thinking about ceremony - what it is, and what it does in our lives.

Ceremony follows a path.
You begin with the leaving of some place (Where were you before this point in your life? Who, and what, lead you here? What are you leaving behind? What are you taking with you?)
--- come to this very moment, the turning point (marrying, for instance), and embrace the change
--- go back out into the community around you with a new view (of where you are, who you are, where you are going and what those people around you mean to you.)

This is why there are so often ceremonial words like bridges, and roads, thresholds - images of running water, shifting sands, and the cycle of seasons. Metaphors give tangible form to the things in our lives that are not so easily identified. And yet we instantly recognize the emotions the symbols represent, when those images are ones that connect with us.

One of the bridges is the music that carries us through our lives. You might hear a song and instantly see and smell leaves falling from red and orange maples. Maybe you think of your mother, laughing with you at some ridiculous moment. Or you hear a distant waft of a flute, or a guitar, and feel the relaxed freedom of a long ago summer's day. It's like water, my metaphorical mind can't help but saying- it's a stream flowing through life, winding its way, carrying its bugs and twigs.

Anything stored in your senses can help accompany you, and ground you, in the moments when you are setting out into new territory. The ceremony becomes yours, tells your story. It marks for those around you, and most wonderfully - for you - the whole person you are.

New York State Joins In

Well, hooray for New York! Now all adults can get married in The Empire State!!!
(I mean, unless you are too closely related to each other, like first cousins, for instance.)

New Jersey - how about it? Gov. Christie, think of all the $$$ the state is losing to Connecticut and Massachusetts, and now - our next door neighbor! All that wedding money. Isn't that the kind of thing that speaks loudly to you? The legislature is ready - they just need your nod.

Hooray for New York!

Same-sex marriage update

Just a list - good news continues all the time. The U.S. government is going to stop defending the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). Double defense there, but - put simply - that's good news.

Adding to the list in my January 2010 post of U.S. states that allow same-sex marriage:
Vermont
New Hampshire
Iowa
Massachusetts
Connecticut
we have:
The District of Columbia

California
is in limbo while the courts fight it out.

There are now three states that solemnize (make legal) Civil Unions:
New Jersey
Hawaii
Illinois (on June 1, 2011)
and three states that recognize marriages performed in other states:
Rhode Island
New York
Maryland

Outside the United States, marriages are performed in these countries:
Belgium
South Africa
Spain
Sweden
The Netherlands
Norway
Canada
Argentina
Iceland
Portugal
and in:
Mexico City
Coquille

Several other countries perform Civil Unions.

I think I have it right...

Can You Get Married Without An Officiant?

This is a continuation of a thread from the letters page of my website. The question interests me, as a Celebrant, both because I like to know about the legalities and because I want to know what specific desire leads someone to ask this question.

Second thought first: Why do you want to get married without an officiant?
I understand the wish to have an intimate ceremony where everyone gathered knows you, brides and grooms. In times past, more people were part of a community that included a religious or cultural or judicial leader, and therefore, that "person of authority" had a history with you and your family. It probably felt comfortable, and also significant, having that learned figure preside over your wedding. Since that situation isn't as common these days, it may be that you yearn for the familiarity. Your aunt, or friend, may be a very gifted celebrator and would seem to be the perfect choice.

It could also be that the two of you feel that your vows to each other are what accomplishes the "marrying" - and who needs an official person to stand there while you say "I give you my hand and my love"; why do they have the authority to proclaim what you have already declared? That self-declaration is the tenet of some faiths, and of other cultural traditions in the past. Hand-fasting was originally the way to declare yourselves married, in Celtic tradition. For a year you remained "attached" to your partner, and at the end of that time, you were married. (I'm not saying you two were literally tied together; rather you proclaimed your tie one day, and 12 months later you were married. Unless you broke the tie.)

It is possible that you feel the fee you would pay to the officiant could be better spend elsewhere, so why not find a way to cut it. That is a poor reason, I say, totally without prejudice.

You may have a reason I haven't suggested. And you are welcomed to suggest it.

Getting down to the nitty gritty, here are some of the legalities, as I know them at this moment. First, understand that marriage laws in the United States are determined by the individual states. Within those laws, localities sometimes have their own specific regulations. Since this is such a vast subject, mired in idiosyncrasies, I know well only the states I officiate in - and though I diligently keep up with this, I do not in any shape or form claim infallibility. Take what you can from this, and investigate further if you need to.

In Connecticut, you do not need the officiant to perform the ceremony, but a legal officiant must be present to witness the marriage and sign the license.
In Pennsylvania, you can apply for a license allowing the two of you to marry yourselves. The most recent news I have read is that you must be a member of a faith (Quakerism, for example) that condones this. I believe this decision is being challenged.
In New York, someone can be ordained for the day, for the purpose of officiating at the wedding. And, at all times, anyone ordained by the Universal Life Church can legally perform a wedding. In New York City, an officiant must be registered with the city clerk. The Universal Life Church ordination is valid in many states, but I can't hand you a list of which ones.
In West Virginia (I now know - getting ready to officiate there), the officiant must be registered with the State.

...to be continued.

Where You Can Get Married, Stella & Rosie/Eugene & David

So much has happened since I last wrote about same-sex marriage.

Maine made it legal through legislation, and then the electorate voted it down in a referendum in November.

Here in New Jersey, there was a serious attempt to get a bill on the governor's desk before the desk changed from being Governor Corzine's to seating Governor Christie on January 19th, 2010. It has seemingly ended in defeat. (Thank you, Senate President Codey, for putting it to a vote after both branches refused to step up to the plate. The bill lost in the Senate 20-14.) New Jersey remains a place where though same-sex couples can join in Civil Unions, none dare call it marriage.

That same week, Portugal brought a law into the parliament allowing marriage for gay and lesbian couples. It still must be reviewed, voted on in the parliament and signed by the president, but reports sound optimistic.

Here's the current list, I believe:
Vermont
New Hampshire
Iowa
Massachusetts
Connecticut
Belgium
South Africa
Spain
Sweden
The Netherlands
Norway
Canada

This does not include states or countries that offer a Civil Union, or recognize marriages performed in other states or countries.

Always working to extend this human right to all -----Marriage Equality USA