What Does The Officiant Say?

photo by Sonya Andonov



This is a search phrase that statistics tell me has led people to my website. I'm not sure exactly why but I assume it is because of the thread in my letters archive about marrying without an officiant. I am imagining a person trying to find out what those magic words are that an officiant says to make a marriage valid so that they can bypass me altogether.

Ah, if it were only that easy. If just saying the right combination of words made for a fulfilling ceremony - how easy it would be! But what if it were so simple that people inadvertently got married? If someone was goofing around and said ceremonial words, like, "we gather here together to join Sara and Theodore in matrimony...", and unwittingly the two friends (or even worse, mortal enemies), Sara and Theo were then married! Wouldn't that be a knotty mess!?!

photo by Lauren Rutten

There are plenty of books, and online resources, that spell out how a wedding ceremony might go. But, let me just answer the question personally - this officiant says quite a bit, about marriage, about love, maybe about ancestors, and possibly about the trees or the stars or the moon, about children maybe, about meeting in the rain or liking to have your head massaged - sometimes quite a bit. And that's only me; the couple and those around them say things too. The bride and groom/bride and bride/groom and groom speak words of love and commitment; friends or family members may offer readings or blessings; everyone gathered might declare their intention to support the couple in their vows.

What words marry the two people? All of them. Added to the words, the couple is united by the joining of their hands, the sharing of a cup of wine, the receiving of good wishes, and simply the coming together before the society of family and friends, or within the community of nature.

If you are being ordained for the day to officiate at your friends' wedding, think about what this moment means to them, and to you. Find the words to express that. And speak them clearly, from the heart.

Favorite Wedding Movies - I

Two of my favorite wedding movies are "The Wedding Singer"and "Four Weddings and A Funeral", plus Rupert Everett's turn in "My Best Friend's Wedding." Singing and dancing, that's what I like.

Of course they often have someone behaving badly toward someone else whom they have supposedly loved. And usually the story has to begin with a preposterously mismatched couple so you know that, in the end, each of the two will be with someone else.

Simon Callow and his vests, Rowan Atkinson and his mumble-mouthed officiating ("In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spigot. Spirit.") - both are jewels in the "4 Weddings & A Funeral" crown. Of course, if you enjoy watching Hugh Grant (and I do) his presence is sufficient without adornment. His character drops his bride at the altar, something I frown on in real life. Better to find your true love before you plan your wedding... Although not the most dramatic movie plot.

Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler make a good couple in "The Wedding Singer", and you know that because he helps her when she throws up. He will love her "in sickness and in health", is what he is suggesting in that scene, "for better or for worse."

And that's what it's all about!

Marriage - What The Heck Is It?

Okay, I'm not going to definitively answer that question in this one post. In fact, I will probably pose more questions. One of my favorite writers, Dennis Potter, has his character, The Singing Detective, say (and I am totally paraphrasing - though I will correct it when I find the passage...) "They always want stories that are all answers, no questions; I write about life - all questions, no answers."

Defining marriage is a subject that has been bandied about because of gay marriage. There is a need felt by some people for "The Defense of Marriage". DOMA Watch , which supports the preservation of marriage as between a man and a woman, is nevertheless a very clear website with links to updated news regarding the legal status of same-gender marriage in the U.S.

Today's question is, why does marriage need defending?

Is it because it is fragile? Well, that it is. The oft-quoted statistic of around half the marriages in the United States ending in divorce seems to be correct. Marriage is difficult; it requires attention and compassion, and love, and humor and imagination and all sorts of things.

Will it be less fragile if the two people who pledge their love and lives to each other are both female or both male? No. It will be probably be just the same - but who knows? Maybe if we are living in a society where the freedom to legally unite in marriage is open to heterosexuals and homosexuals without distinction between the groups - maybe marriage will be stronger for the model of that widespread acceptance.

Celebrant Ceremonies Presents Wedding Rituals

I banded together with four classmates whom I met in 2004 while training at the Celebrant USA Foundation, after graduating, to create a friendly group called Celebrant Ceremonies. Our agenda continues to change over the years, but always we have spent time together talking about ceremony, and sharing rituals.

On a beautiful spring-like Sunday, February 8th, we invited the public to attend a sampling of wedding rituals with the gracious participation of two Montclair actors, Erika and Peter Daddabbo. At Amanti Vino, on Church Street in Montclair, Julie Laudicina, Celia Milton, Eve Young and I led the blushing bride and groom (and they were blushing!) through a ring warming, a draping ceremony, a hand fasting, and a wine sharing.

We were very grateful to several Montclair businesses for pitching in to help - with both generosity and creativity. In their newly magnificent space on South Fullerton Avenue, Bangz Salon and Spa pampered and prepared Erika for her pretend wedding, with romantic make up by Chris and a lovely "up-do" to her hair from Shanna. Beth at Ruby on Church Street not only dressed Erika in a creamy chiffon dress and glittering earrings, but also ran the dress next door so Jeff at Accents With Flowers could design a complimentary bouquet of ivory roses and pearls. Nancy at the wonderfully magical shop Parcel, around the corner on Bloomfield Avenue, created a program full of delicate flourishes for our afternoon wedding.

This is just one way we've thought of to explain and demonstrate how we, as Celebrants, use ceremony to mindfully mark turning points in a personal way. It was fun; we hope to do some more of this kind of theater...

Family and friends

This is a picture of Kat and Tom, a delightful couple, taken by Diana Bezanski, a tremendous photographer. Kat and Tom's family and friends followed their lead to a playful, gorgeous wedding at the Fonthill Museum. During the ceremony, they stood with them, sang for them, encircled them and laughed & cried as the couple got married; here Kat and Tom are showered with joy as they recess.


Your family and friends are probably the most valuable element of your wedding. Even if, say, you elope, the telling of that story cements the moment in the world around you. To share the feelings of joy, or love, or maybe of slight trepidation - binds your life with those you gather around you. It's a huge gift you give, and receive back.

I always love meeting the family and friends of a couple I am marrying. Usually, I have gotten to know the two of them over a period of months, and, at the rehearsal, I see them anew with the people who mean so much to them. A parent may call one of them by a childhood name that I don't know; someone might tease them in a way that indicates longtime and intimate knowledge; or maybe a brother stands off to the side, quietly observing his sibling's big step. Every one of these tiny specifics adds to the story of the wedding of these two people. It's a rich narrative, and something to treasure.

My husband and I have a friend, Silvere, who advised us during our wedding reception to "gather up all the love" that was surrounding us that day, and keep it for whenever we needed it. We did, and we do.

A Backyard Wedding in 1947

To kick this off, here's a home wedding. It has all the elements I love - friends and family pitch in to make it happen and the gathering is relaxed and joyous.

This is the wedding of my husband's mother and father - Carolyn Joyce Thomas and E. Leon Reamer, held on the lawn of her family's house in Lawnton, Pennsylvania, on the beautiful Sunday afternoon of June 1, 1947.

A family friend, Alberta, made the gown. She and Carolyn rode the bus into Harrisburg to pick out the pattern and fabric. Carolyn's father, O.D., took it upon himself to get a cake and to place blooming irises around the yard. The Methodist minister was a friend and neighbor, and his wife stood beside the couple as a bridesmaid, along with Leon's sister, Peggy. Carolyn's friend, Roberta, played music for the ceremony on a phonograph; it wafted through windows opening over the yard. Roberta's mother arrived on the bus, carrying a huge bowl of fruited jello.

The couple traveled on the train to New York City for their honeymoon. They saw the Broadway musical "Oklahoma!", went to Sardi's and took in the film "The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty."