Just a list - good news continues all the time. The U.S. government is going to stop defending the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). Double defense there, but - put simply - that's good news.
Adding to the list in my January 2010 post of U.S. states that allow same-sex marriage:
Vermont
New Hampshire
Iowa
Massachusetts
Connecticut
we have:
The District of Columbia
California
is in limbo while the courts fight it out.
There are now three states that solemnize (make legal) Civil Unions:
New Jersey
Hawaii
Illinois (on June 1, 2011)
and three states that recognize marriages performed in other states:
Rhode Island
New York
Maryland
Outside the United States, marriages are performed in these countries:
Belgium
South Africa
Spain
Sweden
The Netherlands
Norway
Canada
Argentina
Iceland
Portugal
and in:
Mexico City
Coquille
Several other countries perform Civil Unions.
I think I have it right...
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Can You Get Married Without An Officiant?
This is a continuation of a thread from the letters page of my website. The question interests me, as a Celebrant, both because I like to know about the legalities and because I want to know what specific desire leads someone to ask this question.
Second thought first: Why do you want to get married without an officiant?
I understand the wish to have an intimate ceremony where everyone gathered knows you, brides and grooms. In times past, more people were part of a community that included a religious or cultural or judicial leader, and therefore, that "person of authority" had a history with you and your family. It probably felt comfortable, and also significant, having that learned figure preside over your wedding. Since that situation isn't as common these days, it may be that you yearn for the familiarity. Your aunt, or friend, may be a very gifted celebrator and would seem to be the perfect choice.
It could also be that the two of you feel that your vows to each other are what accomplishes the "marrying" - and who needs an official person to stand there while you say "I give you my hand and my love"; why do they have the authority to proclaim what you have already declared? That self-declaration is the tenet of some faiths, and of other cultural traditions in the past. Hand-fasting was originally the way to declare yourselves married, in Celtic tradition. For a year you remained "attached" to your partner, and at the end of that time, you were married. (I'm not saying you two were literally tied together; rather you proclaimed your tie one day, and 12 months later you were married. Unless you broke the tie.)
It is possible that you feel the fee you would pay to the officiant could be better spend elsewhere, so why not find a way to cut it. That is a poor reason, I say, totally without prejudice.
You may have a reason I haven't suggested. And you are welcomed to suggest it.
Getting down to the nitty gritty, here are some of the legalities, as I know them at this moment. First, understand that marriage laws in the United States are determined by the individual states. Within those laws, localities sometimes have their own specific regulations. Since this is such a vast subject, mired in idiosyncrasies, I know well only the states I officiate in - and though I diligently keep up with this, I do not in any shape or form claim infallibility. Take what you can from this, and investigate further if you need to.
In Connecticut, you do not need the officiant to perform the ceremony, but a legal officiant must be present to witness the marriage and sign the license.
In Pennsylvania, you can apply for a license allowing the two of you to marry yourselves. The most recent news I have read is that you must be a member of a faith (Quakerism, for example) that condones this. I believe this decision is being challenged.
In New York, someone can be ordained for the day, for the purpose of officiating at the wedding. And, at all times, anyone ordained by the Universal Life Church can legally perform a wedding. In New York City, an officiant must be registered with the city clerk. The Universal Life Church ordination is valid in many states, but I can't hand you a list of which ones.
In West Virginia (I now know - getting ready to officiate there), the officiant must be registered with the State.
...to be continued.
Second thought first: Why do you want to get married without an officiant?
I understand the wish to have an intimate ceremony where everyone gathered knows you, brides and grooms. In times past, more people were part of a community that included a religious or cultural or judicial leader, and therefore, that "person of authority" had a history with you and your family. It probably felt comfortable, and also significant, having that learned figure preside over your wedding. Since that situation isn't as common these days, it may be that you yearn for the familiarity. Your aunt, or friend, may be a very gifted celebrator and would seem to be the perfect choice.
It could also be that the two of you feel that your vows to each other are what accomplishes the "marrying" - and who needs an official person to stand there while you say "I give you my hand and my love"; why do they have the authority to proclaim what you have already declared? That self-declaration is the tenet of some faiths, and of other cultural traditions in the past. Hand-fasting was originally the way to declare yourselves married, in Celtic tradition. For a year you remained "attached" to your partner, and at the end of that time, you were married. (I'm not saying you two were literally tied together; rather you proclaimed your tie one day, and 12 months later you were married. Unless you broke the tie.)
It is possible that you feel the fee you would pay to the officiant could be better spend elsewhere, so why not find a way to cut it. That is a poor reason, I say, totally without prejudice.
You may have a reason I haven't suggested. And you are welcomed to suggest it.
Getting down to the nitty gritty, here are some of the legalities, as I know them at this moment. First, understand that marriage laws in the United States are determined by the individual states. Within those laws, localities sometimes have their own specific regulations. Since this is such a vast subject, mired in idiosyncrasies, I know well only the states I officiate in - and though I diligently keep up with this, I do not in any shape or form claim infallibility. Take what you can from this, and investigate further if you need to.
In Connecticut, you do not need the officiant to perform the ceremony, but a legal officiant must be present to witness the marriage and sign the license.
In Pennsylvania, you can apply for a license allowing the two of you to marry yourselves. The most recent news I have read is that you must be a member of a faith (Quakerism, for example) that condones this. I believe this decision is being challenged.
In New York, someone can be ordained for the day, for the purpose of officiating at the wedding. And, at all times, anyone ordained by the Universal Life Church can legally perform a wedding. In New York City, an officiant must be registered with the city clerk. The Universal Life Church ordination is valid in many states, but I can't hand you a list of which ones.
In West Virginia (I now know - getting ready to officiate there), the officiant must be registered with the State.
...to be continued.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Where You Can Get Married, Stella & Rosie/Eugene & David
So much has happened since I last wrote about same-sex marriage.
Maine made it legal through legislation, and then the electorate voted it down in a referendum in November.
Here in New Jersey, there was a serious attempt to get a bill on the governor's desk before the desk changed from being Governor Corzine's to seating Governor Christie on January 19th, 2010. It has seemingly ended in defeat. (Thank you, Senate President Codey, for putting it to a vote after both branches refused to step up to the plate. The bill lost in the Senate 20-14.) New Jersey remains a place where though same-sex couples can join in Civil Unions, none dare call it marriage.
That same week, Portugal brought a law into the parliament allowing marriage for gay and lesbian couples. It still must be reviewed, voted on in the parliament and signed by the president, but reports sound optimistic.
Here's the current list, I believe:
Vermont
New Hampshire
Iowa
Massachusetts
Connecticut
Belgium
South Africa
Spain
Sweden
The Netherlands
Norway
Canada
This does not include states or countries that offer a Civil Union, or recognize marriages performed in other states or countries.
Always working to extend this human right to all -----Marriage Equality USA
Maine made it legal through legislation, and then the electorate voted it down in a referendum in November.
Here in New Jersey, there was a serious attempt to get a bill on the governor's desk before the desk changed from being Governor Corzine's to seating Governor Christie on January 19th, 2010. It has seemingly ended in defeat. (Thank you, Senate President Codey, for putting it to a vote after both branches refused to step up to the plate. The bill lost in the Senate 20-14.) New Jersey remains a place where though same-sex couples can join in Civil Unions, none dare call it marriage.
That same week, Portugal brought a law into the parliament allowing marriage for gay and lesbian couples. It still must be reviewed, voted on in the parliament and signed by the president, but reports sound optimistic.
Here's the current list, I believe:
Vermont
New Hampshire
Iowa
Massachusetts
Connecticut
Belgium
South Africa
Spain
Sweden
The Netherlands
Norway
Canada
This does not include states or countries that offer a Civil Union, or recognize marriages performed in other states or countries.
Always working to extend this human right to all -----Marriage Equality USA
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Invitational Tale of Romance
My friend and colleague, wedding Celebrant Celia Milton (who is writing a book about modern wedding rituals, and there is no one better equipped to do this!) sent me a link to this wonderful wedding invitation.
The small size here gives you a glimpse of the layout, but you must follow the link to appreciate the visual, the humor, the creativity and the sheer depth of story that is conveyed in one artistic document. It's brilliant.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Ushers & Runners
May has been a busy month for me wedding-wise, and so a couple of details are on my mind.
Ushers - they are a good thing. I heartily recommend asking 2 to 4 friends or family members if they would help out at the ceremony. They can:
- provide a bit of guidance when guests arrive at a space
- make sure certain seats are saved for specific guests
- tell inquiring guests if there are or are not "side" preferences
- hand out programs
- define a space, in the event the guests will be standing rather than sitting
Having ushers is a gracious gesture to offer to guests, who often look slightly bewildered when entering a ceremony space.
Aisle Runners - they benefit from some planning. The idea of a long carpet, perhaps strewn with flowers petals, for a spectacular entrance is lovely. The reality is that I have seen too many runners trampled and crumpled before the proper satin-shod toe steps out onto the stretch of fabric. If a runner is laid out before the guests enter, how are the guests supposed to get to their seats - or run over and hug someone they haven't seen in a long time? Ushers can help direct people away from the center aisle, but really...do you want to keep people from greeting each other?
If you are going to include a runner, make it a dramatic moment in the ceremony, having two or more ushers unroll it with a flourish to heighten the tears and the "Aaahhhh!"s for that historic walk down the aisle. And if you actually want flower petals to stylishly adorn the pathway, choose a flower girl/boy who is older than 5. The whole ritual can be quite stunning, creating anticipation for the entrance.
Let your celebrant know that you are going to have a runner. She or he can help you decide how you wish it to be used. It is one of those details that offers an opportunity for a beautiful ritual.
Details, details. They are the nuts and bolts of the occasion.
photo by Sonya Andonov
Ushers - they are a good thing. I heartily recommend asking 2 to 4 friends or family members if they would help out at the ceremony. They can:
- provide a bit of guidance when guests arrive at a space
- make sure certain seats are saved for specific guests
- tell inquiring guests if there are or are not "side" preferences
- hand out programs
- define a space, in the event the guests will be standing rather than sitting
Having ushers is a gracious gesture to offer to guests, who often look slightly bewildered when entering a ceremony space.
Aisle Runners - they benefit from some planning. The idea of a long carpet, perhaps strewn with flowers petals, for a spectacular entrance is lovely. The reality is that I have seen too many runners trampled and crumpled before the proper satin-shod toe steps out onto the stretch of fabric. If a runner is laid out before the guests enter, how are the guests supposed to get to their seats - or run over and hug someone they haven't seen in a long time? Ushers can help direct people away from the center aisle, but really...do you want to keep people from greeting each other?
If you are going to include a runner, make it a dramatic moment in the ceremony, having two or more ushers unroll it with a flourish to heighten the tears and the "Aaahhhh!"s for that historic walk down the aisle. And if you actually want flower petals to stylishly adorn the pathway, choose a flower girl/boy who is older than 5. The whole ritual can be quite stunning, creating anticipation for the entrance.
Let your celebrant know that you are going to have a runner. She or he can help you decide how you wish it to be used. It is one of those details that offers an opportunity for a beautiful ritual.
Details, details. They are the nuts and bolts of the occasion.
photo by Sonya Andonov
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Playing For Change
This is why I am a Celebrant.
As I wend my way through life, I see what so many other people see - that anything we can do to find common ground is what we need most of all.
These songs from the Playing For Change folks do it all so enjoyably and clearly. The music is wonderful, the musicians are soulful and our being taken picturesquely around the world opens the airways so that we soar. What a way to convey how life-changing it can be to dance and sing and be joyful!
And how is this like my work as a Celebrant? What I do is help people find a way they can gather together in a harmonious celebration of an important change in their life/lives. I have no qualms speaking the words that someone might shy away from, and I completely enjoy listening to people's stories and seeing the ceremonial form that naturally arises from their particular experiences and desires and outfits. If the persons involved have wishes that seem at odds, I imagine a view in which they complement each other.
I love kaleidoscopes too - the view continually changes
.
This image is from a page on Wayne Schmidt's amazing site
As I wend my way through life, I see what so many other people see - that anything we can do to find common ground is what we need most of all.
These songs from the Playing For Change folks do it all so enjoyably and clearly. The music is wonderful, the musicians are soulful and our being taken picturesquely around the world opens the airways so that we soar. What a way to convey how life-changing it can be to dance and sing and be joyful!
And how is this like my work as a Celebrant? What I do is help people find a way they can gather together in a harmonious celebration of an important change in their life/lives. I have no qualms speaking the words that someone might shy away from, and I completely enjoy listening to people's stories and seeing the ceremonial form that naturally arises from their particular experiences and desires and outfits. If the persons involved have wishes that seem at odds, I imagine a view in which they complement each other.
I love kaleidoscopes too - the view continually changes
.
This image is from a page on Wayne Schmidt's amazing site
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Viva Vermont!
Holy cow! Vermont legalized same-sex marriage today. What a week this is. Let's keep it going; New Jersey, go ahead - call it marriage!!
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